Who is it for?
The Wheel Of Consent allows you to understand the crucial part of any exchange: who it is for. It allows you to answer this key question:
- Are you acting on your desire?
- Or are you putting your desire aside?
In every exchange one person will be giving, one person will be receiving. One person will also be doing, and one person will be done-to. But, contrary to what we’re used to thinking, the fact that you are doing something, does not necessarily mean you are giving.
What do you want?
When you experience an exchange which feels uncomfortable it’s very likely because:
- You might both be trying to get the same thing without realising it;
- Or trying to get outcomes which are incompatible with each other;
- One of you might be behaving un-consentingly in order to get your needs met (often acting on unconscious patterns);
- Or you might be in a ‘muddy zone’, without one or either of you having clarity on what you do actually want.
The key to learning how to have fulfilling, consenting exchanges is learning how to set and keep consensual agreements. This means that everyone remains fully in choice at all times, and still gets what they need.
Consensual agreements can come in many forms – they can set multiple parameters such as timescales, boundaries, limits, and specific instructions; or they can be as simple as saying ‘I would like you to pleasure me”. In all cases understanding your own needs, and acting on them, are the essential first steps to being able to make effective agreements.