When it comes to accepting, how accept-able are you? How well are you able to accept?
If you were offered the chance to receive exactly the touch you truly wanted, right now – the kind of touch that would make you go ‘hell, yeahhh! That’s fabulous!” – would you feel confident about what to ask for?
The tricky gift
It sounds like a pretty easy question. But when it comes down to it it’s one that a lot of us might actually find pretty tricky to answer honestly.
Should I ask for something I think the other person will be comfortable with? Will they think what I ask for is stupid? What if they say no to my request? What if they say yes, and then I end up actually getting what I want? Do I even know what I want??
It can all feel like a bit of a Pandora’s (gift) box!
Being offered something we truly want for ourselves should be a gift. The trouble is we’ve become used to many of the gifts we’re given coming with strings attached (read more about when Serving isn’t serving).
When was the last time someone gave you exactly what you asked for – no expectations, no bells and whistles, no ‘helpful’ additions, no opinions… just what you asked for: nothing more and nothing less?
We’ve learned to hedge our bets when it comes to being asked what we want. To protect ourselves from being vulnerable. But that means we often don’t end up with what we truly want.
It’s not selfish, it’s self-worth
The Wheel Of Consent teaches us how to ask for, and then Accept, the gifts that we really want for ourselves.
Accepting something without having to give something in return can feel like we’re being selfish. But in fact it’s probably one of the best ways to achieve a feeling of self-worth and self-acceptance.
Getting the chance to spend time receiving a gift that is for us alone, having someone else put their desire aside and attend to ours, can be immensely healing.
Of course it’s not possible for us to get what we want all of the time, and we need to be respectful of the boundaries and limits of the person offering us the gift.
But when you spend time in the Accepting quadrant of the Wheel Of Consent you can begin to notice there are things you want, and to trust them, value them, communicate them (find out more in this video), and act on them.
In short, you can learn that what you want matters.
How to do it
Receiving the gift of someone else’s actions entirely for your benefit, while respecting their limits
Exploring the Accepting quadrant can feel pretty challenging. It can often take us a while to even begin to figure out what we genuinely want for ourselves – as opposed to what we think we’re supposed to want, or what someone else wants us to want. Let alone feel able to ask for it without feeling demanding, or embarrassed.
The only way to really figure out what you want is to wait.
Give yourself time.
Even though it might not feel like it, somewhere inside you will know exactly what you want. But it can take time to reach the surface, and there are many learned cultural and behavioural obstacles that can get in the way.
Find out how you can work with me to learn more about it.
Anxious about re-engaging with interactions after lockdown? Here are 3 simple ways you can help yourself – and others – feel more comfortableRead More