When we experience sexual problems, or something isn’t working the way we’d like it to in the bedroom, our first instinct is often to want to look outside ourselves for a fix.
“There must be a technique I could learn…” or “If only someone would tell me the secret…”.
I do things a bit differently.
There’s a big difference between a fix and a recalibration
Wanting a fix assumes that essentially the status quo – or the operating system – is OK but something has become faulty and needs to be pulled into line.
Recalibration is about changing the status quo.
Recalibration: to change the way you do or think about something (Cambridge dictionary)
How’s your operating system?
Imagine trying to use Windows 95 operating system to run the latest top-of-the-range computer, and then getting frustrated because the computer doesn’t function the way you want it to.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to update the operating system, rather than trying to find a hack to make the computer perform one particular function?
The great thing about our bodies is that they come with an operating system which is pretty much designed for optimum function. It’s just that most of us have never been given the manual. We’re either trying to run it blind, or we’re trying to run it using information which is incomplete or out of date.
A different approach to sexual problems
In answer to the question: ‘can you fix my sexual problems?’, I would ask: ‘if your whole approach was different would your problem still be a problem?’
We tend to think of sex and pleasure as needing to look or feel a certain way. And if it doesn’t, we think there must be something wrong with us.
But what if it’s not you that’s wrong, but your approach?
Often when we experience sexual problems we try to fix them by focussing on individual body parts, rather than looking at the whole system.
But as the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists points out sexual problems can be emotional, or mental, just as much as physical.
There are many different ways to find pleasure
And even if some of the hardware no longer works the way it used to, there are still plenty of ways to experience pleasure. Pleasure may look or feel a little different than it used to, and it may require some work to figure out new ways to reach it, but your body is an incredible instrument, capable of many more routes to pleasure than you probably realise.
Working with me starts with the premise that your body already has all the knowledge it needs to experience pleasure. You might just need a bit of help learning how to access it in a way that’s meaningful for you.
Sometimes you need to redefine things to access what you really want. What if being cuddled actually feels more fulfilling to you than penetration? What if lasting longer means redefining orgasm in your body, rather than trying to delay climax in your genitals?
So, can I fix your sexual problems?
Well, I always say: when it comes to genuine wellbeing there’s no such thing as a quick fix! So if you’re willing to put the work in to get to know your body better, and expand your operating system, I can help you discover what pleasure really feels like for you.
And doing that may actually be the best solution to your problems.
Get tips for better relating, plus all my latest updates and opportunities