What is mindful sex?
A different approach to sex – it’s not about the outcome
“Sexuality is a portal through which one can enter into the mysteries of existence. Nevertheless, most people just rush their way to the gate, get a snapshot of its beauty and return to ‘normal’, never actually passing through the portal into the palaces of their soul.” Ohad Ezrahi
Sex is so often approached from a goal-oriented perspective: ‘I want penetration’, ‘I want to last longer’, ‘I want to perform better’… the list of goals we set ourselves can be endless, and often based on what we think is expected of us.
But focussing only on the outcome means it’s easy to overlook all the elements which enable you to get there.
Plus, here’s a crazy thought: what if there are actually other outcomes besides the one you thought was expected?
What if being cuddled actually feels more fulfilling to you than penetration? What if lasting longer means redefining orgasm in your body, rather than trying to delay climax in your genitals?
Choose the journey as well as the destination
Mindful sex and intimacy coaching involves learning to slow things down, discover or create new perspectives, and re-wire your brain and body so that your journey takes on just as much importance as the destination.
Shifting the focus so what you’re choosing, moment to moment, becomes more important than what you do, means you can choose whatever you want. And when you can do that… anything is possible!
The principles of mindful sex coaching
The mindful sex and intimacy coaching I offer is built on 3 core principles:
- Presence – coming into the moment, and being with what is, rather than what ‘should be’
- Permission – allowing yourself to follow your impulses, knowing you will be supported without judgement
- Pleasure – exploring and discovering what really feels good to you – which may be different from what you think will!
These simple principles are ones you can start to explore for yourself whenever you like.
And in sessions with me they are supported with a toolkit of practices rooted in things your body is born instinctively knowing how to do – breath, movement, sound, and touch, as well as foundations for personal body-based consent that most of us never got taught in sex-ed classes.
Mindful sex – from the mind to the body
The term ‘mindful’ can be a bit misleading – it actually means thinking less, rather than more.
“When people have sexual problems, a lot of the time it’s anxiety-related and they’re not really in their bodies, or in the moment. Mindfulness brings them back into the moment. When people say they’ve had the best sex and you ask them what they were thinking about, they can’t tell you, because they weren’t thinking about anything, they were just enjoying the moment. That’s mindfulness.” Kate Moyle, Psychosexual & Couples Therapist (read more from Kate here)
When it comes to mindful sex and intimacy coaching the key is finding ways to bring the focus from the mind to the body.
One way to do this is to become more aware of sensation.
Try this simple exercise now, if you want:
- Pick up the nearest random object. Hold it in your hands. Let your mind notice it, name it, give it a function.
- Then let those thoughts go, close your eyes, and bring all your awareness to your hands. Start to explore the object with your hands, with curiosity.
- Notice the sensations you experience in your hands – the textures, shapes, weight, even temperature of the object. After a few minutes slow the speed of your touch down by half and see what you notice.
- Explore the object with as many different parts of your hand as you want – try your fingernails, your wrist, the back of your hand. If your mind wanders bring your attention to back to the sensation you notice in your hands.
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